Homicide Awareness

Is someone close to you thinking about committing homicide? Have any friends, relatives or coworkers exhibited signs recently of a potential proclivity for homicide? One must always be vigilant, especially during the months when stress from an unremitting winter begins to take its toll on even the most iron-willed among us. One day, usually in the fall, its all sunshine and blowjobs. The next, oddly enough near the end of February (that’s how long the days feel when you work nights and the only daylight you see is on television), you feel a growing desire to see the streets run red with innocent blood. It happens.

But it doesn’t have to.

If you suspect someone, say, your brother-in-law, of harbouring thoughts of homicide — mood swings, profuse sweating, uncontrollable flatulence — do not delay. Confront him. Do it in front of as many people as possible, for security concerns. A hockey game. A funeral. Say, ‘<brother-in-law>, I’ve noticed that you’ve recently been exhibiting signs of a potential proclivity for murder.’ Or perhaps something with a bit more impact.

In fact, dispense with the verbal approach entirely and mount a preemptive strike. Take him unawares. Clip him at the knees with your shoulder and ask questions later. He’ll thank you (well, probably not).

Do it for your country. Do it for your mom. Do it for all the kids who don’t get asked to the prom. Well, maybe not that last one, but it kind of rhymes.