Bathroom Woes

The mens washroom at my place of employment is a real horrorshow (not to be confused with real horrorshow, which is the exact opposite of my intent). I cannot speak for that of my female coworkers, but judging by some of the smells that come wafting hence, I can only assume a similar sight lies in wait beyond that foreboding orange door. Revolting — and the last thing anyone wishes to endure in the dying hours of their otherwise nausea-free shift. I try to avoid the entire area during that daily juncture, when a full complement of workers sit pod-bound and thus occasionally stall-bound — the crossover period, shall we say — but duty, as they say, calls.

During this time, between five and seven, the bathrooms can become downright overpopulated and the air quality takes a hit — a boot to the groin, if you will. It becomes unbearable. The worst sorts of human smells imaginable, all mixing together in a sensory stew that would gag a maggot.

Once you get settled into your business, the stall interior becomes a feast for the eyes. Granted, not a very good feast. Sort of like barbecued dog food. Have you ever really taken a look at your surroundings when crouched in a quasi-public bathroom stall? Horrible, horrible stuff. The people I work with are absolute barbarians. Dried finger-flung boogers hang from the institutional white cinder block walls. The flimsy metal door is smeared with shit of “beneath fingernail” origins, judging by the shape. What the hell was going on? Just calm down, son. There is never any reason, outside of plumbing related endeavours, to become soiled with one’s own excrement while at work. At least have the decency to use a piece of toilet paper.

Maybe the culprit used this as a means of entertainment, a “break up the routine” exercise. Or it may have been mere thickheaded laziness. Either way, the results sit approximately one and a half feet from my face at least once every night. No one ever cleans it. What, you think I should take it upon myself? Hell no, friend. I might as well eat a bag of frozen, preformed hamburger patties. Sheer madness.

But I won’t change stalls — it’s the best one, the only one with a wall on one side. This allows for more room and room is everything isn’t it? Unfortunately there isn’t sufficient quantities thereof in this shit shower of a room. Things both animate and non are in far too close a proximity to one’s person at all times like some sort of invisible bathroom fog of unpleasantness. It sucks.

So maybe I should cut down on the fibre.

Five Bad Smells

Or the Top Five Vilest Odours of All Time, if you’re into rankings (aside — my spell-checker is telling me that “Odour” is spelled incorrectly. There it goes again! Parentheses be damned! American imperialism strikes again! I don’t care).

So here it is. In the spirit of the Age and the pointless game show build-ups that seem to have so defined public discourse as of late, I present to you — in no particularly chronological order — a gratuitous helping of commercials!

Or not. Let’s just get into it.

Chicken Fat - I’m talking about the fluid that results from the roasting or frying of chicken. Well, not so much the fluid but the substance it becomes once cooled down, neither liquid nor solid — a blackish sort of burned-on sludge. In open air the smell is mildly unpleasant; not exactly something one would wish to rub beneath their underarms, but not gag inducing. When introduced into a medium of lukewarm, three-loads since dishpan water, however, this little trooper shines. Gradually the water has its effect on the surface of the fat-smeared frying pan, usually while you’re busy drying the previous load of dishes. Upon return to your sink-front post, the aroma comes wafting up from the surface of the brackish brew of soggy Kraft dinner effluent and frozen pizza sink sausage like the first whiff of freshly lit dogshit incense, pummeling your sense of smell, triggering the gag reflex. Sharp and moist, reminiscent of terminal foot odour, but kinda sweet too.

Foot Odour - Obvious perhaps, but a good belt of foot odour can upset even the most settled of stomachs. Despite this, foot odour is perhaps the most socially acceptable of human body aromas, the easiest to laugh off and crack wise about. Why? Feet are involved and feet are funny. What other part of our body do we constantly bring into contact with filth, guarded only by a thin layer of fabric and/or equally filthy footwear? Of course feet stink. They’re always working, always sweating. Constantly shedding dead skin, making their own gravy. Something to be beheld, really.

Deer Entrails - I have not had the pleasure of bearing witness to a deer gutting since I was a boy of twelve, so I’m not entirely sure whether the entrails were solely to blame. Perhaps it was the mere thought of being in contact with a living creature’s insides that made me blanch, but the image of my grandfather reaching inside and pulling the guts of the freshly killed deer through its gaping underbelly onto the dusty concrete of the barn floor put any future plans of mine to hunt in a similar state. I’ve cleaned and gutted fish before and since and those wily water breathers have got nothing on venison for pure stank in the guts department. The kind of smell that makes you weak in the knees unromantically, kicks you in the balls and then laughs.

Ass - Yes, ass smells. This is reflected in the existence of such expressions as “damn dude, that smells like ass!” It is not mere coincidence. You can wash your ass religiously, every hour on the hour even, but it will still stink. Sweaty, confined areas of the human body are impossible to render odourless, especially when they act as a corridor for waste. The French know this, hence the bidet. Us loutish North Americans, however, have no time to bathe our ass cracks in water. We merely take a few swipes with multi-ply tissue until it no longer feels as though the pan is being greased and call it a day. Back to work, burdened with a stank ass within the first few sweat-inducing steps across the office or work site. It’s also notable that someone else’s ass always smells worse than your own. Damn dude, that does smell like ass.

Burning Chicken Feathers - Maybe I’m over representing the noble chicken, but I’m not playing favorites, nor am I trying to infer that chickens are any more disgusting than any other animal, human or otherwise. Like deer entrails, the smell of chicken feathers being incinerated was etched onto my being during childhood and I have yet to shake it. Every year as summer drew to a close, my family would head to the Sussex flea market for three days of sun, rain, secondhand junk and the smell of burning chicken feathers. The flea market was held in a farmer’s field off the Trans-Canada, just outside Sussex, New Brunswick. Nearby, but out of sight, was a chicken processing plant. Every day before supper time, the remaining feathers of a day’s work would be burned up. This happened to coincide with the chicken barbeque on the flea market grounds, thus reminding everyone of what exactly they were feasting upon, chickens reunited with their feathers for a fleeting moment in the air currents above and the noses below. I don’t recall anyone actually getting sick, but if mustard gas is allegedly worse than a cloud of burned chicken feather particles then I’ll have to try it out first and get back to you. But I don’t buy it.