Doood

Ever had a bad sex dream?

No, not fast-food induced nightmares involving the de-clawed beast with two backs run amok, nor a low rent cable reality show about a failed online porno startup — just your average REM interludes that happen to feature a session of lackluster lovemaking. Never had one? Oh you’re missing out. Of course, I’ve never had a good sex dream so I don’t really have anything to hold up for comparison.

I’ve really only had one actual bad-sex dream where I can recall being bodily involved in the act. Otherwise, the sex is often implied but all I get or seem to remember is the lead-up and aftermath. What a tortured soul am I - all the awkward smalltalk and the resultant guilt, but nothing salacious, nothing gymnastic.

Not even a lousy HBO hand job.

My lone sex dream, bad as it was, remains etched in my memory still. There I am, lying on a generic bed in a genetically engineered motel room, the flicker of the television the only light source. There’s a girl on the bed with me and we’re fully clothed. She’s as faceless as the room, her countenance an ever changing amalgam of every girl I’ve ever been infatuated with. Then theres a slight rustling of the sheets, a half-hearted attempt at mounting an attack on her part and my lame duck reciprocation — culminating in a silent agreement to instead watch television with no sound. And the reception sucks.

So I am pissed off.

Sex dreams are the holy grail of nocturnal braining and I am reprobate, forever damned to dry dreams. I’ve been cheated, man! Without that, what do we have? Well, the real stuff I suppose — which is fine, don’t get me wrong — but the limitless possibilities of fully engrossing, absolutely no-consequence dream nookie is something the porn industry would love to have the technology to approximate.

Sex in space.

Sex on the beach.

Sex in a pan.

And so on. Think of the possibilities — we’re talking a multi-billion dollar industry.

But I’m on the outside with nothing to bring to the porn potluck. Showcase won’t return my phone calls unless I pass a lie detector proving I’ve broken my streak. I’ve tried taking vitamin B, Valerian root and melatonin. Nothing works.

So I’m pretty much screwed.