One Dollar Does Not Buy Peace Of Mind

In fact, one dollar doesn’t buy much of anything these days — possibly a shitty cup of gas station coffee, but only if you know where to look.

Of course, if you live near a dollar store (and in the Maritimes, who doesn’t?) you have a veritable cornucopia of fine imported products ready to brighten your home, garden and bathroom. Knockoff toiletries, “Herbal Extracts” shampoo (not to be confused with its orgasm-inducing “inspiration”), foodstuffs of questionable pedigree and all the choking hazards and questionably themed storybooks a morbidly fixated child could hope for (I love Jimmy the Giraffe Gets a Goiter).

All this and still, horizons continue to broaden for eager loonie-laden consumers:

I was in a local Dollarama last night when what should catch my eye but a pregnancy test; for less than the cost of sponsoring a talking-head-approved child abroad, you can now find out whether or not you’re expecting one of your very own. Probably. Well, maybe.

Personally — and I don’t have a uterus so the point is moot — I’d like a bit more reassurance about the whole thing. Like at least two dollars worth… no, make that five — at least as much as the McHappy meals that will, no doubt, become a staple of this prospective child’s diet.