Your Baby Isn’t Smart

Sorry. I hate to be the one to break the news, but at least I’m being considerate; I could have entitled this lump “Your Baby Is An Imbecile,” but that shit ain’t cool. You see, I don’t want to come off as a jerk. But I’m an observational sort and the simple fact of the matter is that most people are not smart. Granted, the average person always tends towards the wishful thinking side of things when asked to ponder their own intelligence. Average has really let itself go. So, barring any freakish anomaly — say, an epic plague of randomly inflicted childhood head injuries cutting a swath through an entire generation, any majority of idiocy would no doubt have been just as dimwitted as babies. Even with a generously hopeful-minded ratio of eight to one in favour of the dimwits, your baby isn’t smart — there is precious little that you can do about it. Baby Einstein products be damned.

So just give it up.

Stop listening to those voices. The voices that took your kid sister’s virginity behind the call-centre shopping mall. The voices of everyone who has ever wronged you, put in a blender and set to pulverize. The voices that soothe the transition from nipple to thumb, Coke bottle to dick. The voices that made you buy that shirt that only looks good in dim flourescent light. The voices that made you play with dolls. Buy them clothes. Feed them with a bottle thinly lined with a layer of chemical milk.