Corporate Christian Rock Still Sucks


IsaacChurch is not cool. It never was and never will be despite any and all attempts at making worship contemporary by appealing to the youth of the young generation, libidinous walking hairdos that they are. Back in the day, parishioners didn’t parishon in the hopes of looking cool or coming into contact with anything hip or neat-o. They went to get the sperrit. They went to be told of their unworthiness to gather up so much as the crumbs from under God’s table; to hear what miserable sinners they were and wring their calloused hands in guilt.

They went to hear juicy gossip and the gossip was much juicier then in the days before Entertainment Tonight and CNN. Who got pregnant and sent off in shame to the troubled-young-women’s home? Who was seen buying rum and heading down the old garden path with a sheep under one arm and a blanket and package of lard beneath the other?

Certainly not the sort of person to wave their hands around in the air “directing praise” at a bigscreen TV while singing labotomized Jimmy Buffet-esque contemporary Christian muzak. Have attention spans shortened this much? This CCM shit is little more than a chorus ad infinitum. Where is the Battle Hymn of the Republic of this generation? On a Toby Keith album?

Julia Ward Howe, I’ve got your back.

Mad props to the Rev. Charles Wesley.

Isaac Watts, represent.

Corporate Christian Rock Still Sucks.

So pull the plug already. If this is what it takes to put ass in pew, what’s the point? Stop bending over to the prevailing and ongoing dumbing-down of society. Stop vying for the lead in the race to the bottom. Is corporate sponsorship next? Wal-Mart Praise Centres? Jesus Christ’s Myspace?

Have some compassion for God’s sake. If the Christian Church is dying, let it go. It had a long, full life. It justified all different types of horrible shit, wiped out entire civilizations and always came up smelling like roses with nary a bloody handprint to be seen. Not many people can say that, so the least we can do is give it the dignified burial refused so many others.


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