Dogs and Cats



I never used to consider myself a cat person.

In my youth I had a devoted companion in my canine pal Leroy (yes, Leroy as in Lee-Roy, as in ‘bad bad Leroy Brown’), a collie mix and a generally wonderful animal who would no doubt have given his life to protect mine had the opportunity presented itself. Unfortunately, Leroy had a fetish for chasing things that moved faster than him, regardless of their size or proximity – a trait quite common amongst his brethren and one that would ultimately spell his undoing between the winter ice of our driveway and the tires of my grandfather’s truck.

Our family had two more dogs in the years that followed, but neither of them – shall we say? – worked out; one had a psychotic fixation with devouring our cat and the other suffered from a case of wanderlust that would eventually prove fatal against the grill of a hit and run Camaro.

Since then my love of dogs has faded to something resembling mere tolerance. Sure, they’re loveable, affable beasts and I can understand why so many people find comfort in their company.


I have no respect for the dog and I have my reasons. Well, I have one to be more precise.

Never mind the indiscriminate genital tongue-lashings or the horrific halitosis. Never mind the dog’s ascension to yuppie pseudo-child lifestyle accessory of choice and never mind the vapid, drooling stares of stupidity.

What it all boils down to is poo. The brown.

Dogs will spew fecal matter all over the place with no regard for anything other than their own gastrointestinal ease. They’ll get it matted in their fur, smear it on the lawn and tramp it hither and yon only to return later to devour it with no seeming recollection of where it came from.


There is no way in hell you will ever see a cat mistake its own excrement for food and for this reason alone the feline is superior to its tail-wagging counterparts. Cats hate their shit. They’re embarrassed by it. So much so that they instinctively bury it. This is admirable. Sure, inner city playgrounds often become giant cat boxes, but would you prefer it in the street?

You can learn a lot about an animal through their approach to bodily functions.

Have you ever watched a cat pinch a loaf? They, like people (well, most people), really don’t like an audience for the procedure and you can see the shame on their whiskered little visages if you catch them shitus interruptus. On the other hand, dogs will relieve themselves on the side of the road at a busy intersection during rush hour with no sign of embarrassment. No second thought for what they’re doing because there was no first thought.

Now, maybe we should respect the dog for this boldness — this devil may care approach to life, but I say no. No dogs, I’ve had just about enough of your shit. All the smiling won’t change a thing. So I prefer cats and that is something I would have never thought possible. Cats merely tolerate me and that’s really all I figure one should ask of a pet. Plus, the brighter ones often have the look of evil genius in their eyes, a look I find quite endearing.

Now, I’ll probably receive death threats for this piece quicker than if I had, say, slagged off the United States, the Pope, Israel and Islam all at once. Why? Because dog people always overreact.

Just kidding.

(or am I?)


2 Responses to “Dogs and Cats”

  1. Coming from a “dog” family I was simply amazed when I discovered my girlfriends cat buring its own “doings” in the back garden. “What? dont you know all cats do that?” was my GF’s statement, “well, no….. not with a shovel anyway” was mine.

  2. 2 arsebundren

    You have to keep an eye on those wily felines… they’re much smarter than they like to let on.

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