Do It For The Children

30Nov08

management

Sit down, sit down. And how are you today? Great, that’s just great. Wonderful, even. Have a good weekend? Super, just super. Now, I just wanted to have a word with you about the management program you’ve shown interest in and maybe gauge where you’re at developmentally-speaking. We both know you’re a good worker, but there’s much more than hard work involved when it comes to management and I think you know what I’m talking about. Yes, two words.

Volunteer work.

Volunteering is a very important part of the culture here at SoulDestroyingMultinationalCorp, as you well know. We feel that taking an interest in the community is more than just a nice thing to do; here at SDMC, we see volunteering as a responsibility, a vital component of our brand image — an image, I might add, that has been polished to a high lustre by hundreds – no, millions – of hours of volunteer service by management and underli – er, teammates alike.

Now, you have made it well apparent through your work ethic that you are both a go-getter and a self-starter, a team player who values hard work, even harder currency, and knows how to kiss just the right amount of ass so as not to come off as an outright ass kisser. In other words, you, my friend, are management material. The only problem is, I do not see much volunteer history on your resume. No, sorry — serving coffee at union meetings does not count. In fact, doing anything union-related actually counts as negative volunteer hours, so you had best pipe down while you’re still ahead.

You see — and this is just between you and me — no one here actually gives a shit about the people on the receiving end of our bankable volunteer hours. I mean hey, look at me, I might donate flavour crystals and old floppy disks to the local English as a Second Language school but I’ve never lost any sleep over starving Africans. I mean really, Africa isn’t even a real country, is it? Certainly not. Sure, they might have a flag and an anthem, but… well, do they? I really don’t know — No no, don’t answer me; that was a rhetorical question. Anyways, where was I?

Right, volunteering. 

Volunteering sends a message. What message is that? No — stop trying to answer me. Do you want to be part of the management team or not? The message volunteering sends is this: “I am willing to work a few extra hours here and there without expectation of monetary compensation.” This is the most important message one can send if one wishes to be considered for the management team. Now, wait just a minute now – you wipe that smug look off your face. You think you’re better than me? I’ve given twenty years of my life — the best twenty years of my life, to this company. How long have you been here? A year and a half. Indeed! I bet you don’t even have a drinking problem yet. In fact, I’d be willing to bet you have a happy home life, a wife who loves you and children that don’t cringe at the mere mention of your name. Ha, I’m right, aren’t I? I bet you can even remember every moment from last weekend, no – every weekend from the past five years! I bet you’ve never even drank a quart of rum in five gulps and blacked out on the sofa for twelve hours when you were supposed to be watching your kids. Huh? Not so smug now, are you? Ha.

Now get back to your pod. I’m disappointed, but I’m not going to let you ruin my day. I just bought some new plexiglass polish for my twenty-year service cube and I want to try it out before I have to go to the airport. Yeah, that’s right: I’m volunteering tonight. The assistant VP of upper eastnorthwestern regional marketing and logistics, beta division – no, not like the VCR – is coming in for a sales-lead powwow and I get to pick him up, maybe grab a bite to eat, few drinks and, if it goes as well as last time, maybe squeeze in a massage later on. I’m getting quite good, you know. Upper management says I have the hands of a much younger man. I credit the booze. It’s a preservative, you know.

And once and for all, wipe that goddam smug look off your face!

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