Archive for the ‘fiction’ Category
Empties
Recently liberated from the Save-Easy two streets over, the shopping cart has been put to a nobler calling, rolling true on new casters, freed from a life of produce and foodstuff serfdom. A redemption, if you will. Breathing deeply in the damp morning air, the cart’s saviour feels pride in his newly aquired assistant, exploring the shiny […]
Filed under: fiction, recession | Leave a Comment
The Iron Corset
please tell me I’m not the only one who is shocked beyond belief! I feel numb I’m so upset. This can’t be real!! How can you guys say this won’t change anything? This changes EVERYTHING. I don’t even know what to think right now. – Holmes24 ~ Bad things sometimes happen to good people. This […]
Filed under: Clay Aiken, fiction | 1 Comment
Frumious
Young Elizabeth moved lithely through the lecherous limbs of the smelly forest, zigging this way, zagging that, mindful of the dangers which lay ahead, trying her best to ignore the smell of decay which had leached its way into every fibre of her being. The jubjub bird had proven easily enough avoided, but to successfully […]
Filed under: fiction | Leave a Comment
My Buddy Chad
When my purely fictional editor came to me with the chance to conduct a fake interview with Chad Kroeger — Nickelback frontman, noted pants-around-your-feet enthusiast and unapologetic photo-op horn-thrower – I jumped at it like a chicken on a dough dish. It was all set. We were to meet at a location within two square kilometers […]
Filed under: fiction | 1 Comment
Tags: Chad Kroeger, gas huffing, interview, Nickelback
1. A herd of stray dogs are brought in off the street and force-fed a diet of Appetite For Destruction album art chased with cans of Budweiser, Big Macs and several bags of sequins. 2. The animals are funneled like pigs to the slaughter into a room the size of a small warehouse whose floor […]
Filed under: fiction | 4 Comments
Doing Coke With Billy Mays
Having produced a cut-off drinking straw from the pocket of his crisp blue shirt, Billy Mays smiles broadly at me through that insanely well-groomed beard, his pearly whites lending an otherworldly glow to the confines of the storage closet, throwing the mops, buckets and various cleaning products into a dignified relief normally reserved for furniture […]
Filed under: fiction | 3 Comments
Tags: Billy Mays, cocaine, Orange Glo, Oxi-Clean, Sham-Wow, Vince Offer
Harper’s Island
I don’t watch much television lately: I only have one channel. Two if you count Radio-Canada, but I don’t since I only understand roughly 38% of what I hear on there and, luckily, my cognitive functions only respect the majority vote. So I watch Global, but let me be perfectly clear about this: I find […]
Filed under: comedy, fiction | 2 Comments
Tags: claw hammer, Desert Eagle, George Strombolopolous, Global, hunting people, Peter Mansbridge, reality tv, stephen harper, tasers, television
How Many MC’s?
‘How many MC’s must get dissed before somebody says don’t <beep> with Chris?’ – KRS-One Chris likes hip-hop. Chris loves hip-hop. He quotes the above passage, uncredited, twenty times a day. Like a verbal tic. Like some pathological mission statement. Until recently, most evenings would find the lad down the pub, busting his rhymes — […]
Filed under: fiction | 1 Comment
Tags: Big Daddy Kane, hip-hop, KRS-One, rap
Do It For The Children
Sit down, sit down. And how are you today? Great, that’s just great. Wonderful, even. Have a good weekend? Super, just super. Now, I just wanted to have a word with you about the management program you’ve shown interest in and maybe gauge where you’re at developmentally-speaking. We both know you’re a good worker, but […]
Filed under: cubicles, depression, fiction, humour, the office, work | Leave a Comment
Tags: fiction
Where There’s Smoke
“That’s not what I’m trying to say.” “Seems obvious what you’ve trying to say. You hate firemen. You’re anti-fireman.” “No no no, what I’m trying to say is that I’m anti-fire.” “Same thing.” “It isn’t even remotely the same thing. You don’t get it.” “Oh I get it alright. What I don’t get is how […]
Filed under: fiction | Leave a Comment
Tags: fire, war
FRIG. RIGHT. OFF! 